Back in 2005, Oprah Winfrey released her book Live Your Best Life. The thesis has since become a cultural lexicon—echoing from the beats of Cardi B’s radio hit “Best Life” to the myriad self-improvement manifestos across social media platforms, including TikTok (“I am the author of my own life”). The #manifestation hashtag alone boasts 46 billion TikTok views, while countless websites offer ‘life hacks’ and entrepreneurial motivational mantra videos urging us to tap into our latent potential and invest our all in everything we do. Bookstore shelves buckle under the weight of works peddling familiar mantras of positivity, self-mastery, and the quest for authentic happiness, fueling a wellness industry that tips the financial scales at a staggering $4 trillion globally.
Yet there’s a counter-current to this prevailing wind, one that suggests a full about-face. This alternative wisdom doesn’t egg us on to be anything we wish but rather to temper our aspirations and embrace the silence in stillness. Mo Gawdat, an Egyptian tech mogul turned happiness evangelist, postulates in his book Solve for Happy: Engineer Your Path to Joy that joy itself is found by subtracting expectations from reality. Similarly, Haemin Sunim, a Buddhist monk who wrote Love for Imperfect Things argues that we should renounce our idealized image of how our life could be and make peace with how it is right now. From Oprah to Gawdat and Sunim, we’re left wondering how to reconcile these two competing philosophies.
These twin philosophies, though divergent, both claim the prize of ultimate joy and fulfillment. The contemporary drive to optimize life finds roots in the ’90s positive psychology spearheaded by Martin Seligman, which itself sprouted from the ’50s humanistic psychology spotlighting the importance of fulfilling one’s inherent promise. On the flip side, self-acceptance draws from ancient wisdom: Sengchan, a sixth-century Buddhist monk, declared, “True freedom is being without anxiety about imperfection”; the Japanese samurai philosopher of the seventeenth century, Miyamoto Musashi, taught his disciples to embrace life “as it is.”
It’s seldom acknowledged how today’s ubiquitous life guidance sends us scrambling in opposite directions, locking us in a paralyzing dilemma. Manifesting one’s ideal life seems at odds with the call to silence our heartfelt desires and seek solace in deep contemplation. Additionally, there’s the further irony that the people actually penning New York Times bestsellers about acceptance are themselves rising with the sun to write books that tell us to do less.
The crossroads of these philosophies are most apparent however in the realm of long-term relationships. Our lifespans—and thus our relationships—stretch longer, but so does the allure of personal reinvention. The temptation to upgrade is amplified by the siren calls of dating apps. Is lifelong fidelity to one partner compatible with becoming the finest version of oneself? We contort, we concede, we compromise, often dialing down our “authentic selves” all for the sake of harmony within your relationships and marriages.
Conversely, there are countless magazine articles and relationship gurus that offer an alternative solution: radical acceptance! The key is to give up wondering how it would be if your partner was different, that is to say, a little bit more intelligent and a lot less annoying. But our culture is more ambivalent. We applaud couples who hold it together over the long term, for better or worse. Yet it’s also widely believed that if a relationship is turning you into a person you don’t want to be, then you should leave. So which is it?
This give and take, push and pull can take its toll on us mentally. Our society is one that demands flawlessness while also decreeing that we find joy in our quirks (those charming flaws). The paradox is that while society no longer lauds patience, it clashes with the contemporary moral edict to stay true to oneself (assuming you’re among the fortunate who can consistently pinpoint and pursue their desires). Embrace radical acceptance, and suddenly the need for patience dissipates; you should, ideally, have come to cherish your partner’s peculiarities, no matter how irritating. Unfortunately, things don’t always play out that way.
Reality seldom mimics this ideal. Our culture and its psychological narratives propose tantalizing fantasies where it’s possible to have it all. Relationship gurus tout the potential for fiery romance even after decades of matrimony, citing the work of Michael Metz and Barry McCarthy in Enduring Desire and hinting at a correlation between lengthy partnerships and robust intimacy. Kelly Gonsalves, on her website Mindbodygreen, speaks of the wonders wrought by familiarity and shared adventures in intimacy. “Plenty of people in long-term relationships have super-hot, wonderfully satisfying sex lives years into their relationships,” she writes. However, a recent study found that married couples over 40 rarely have sex, if at all. A stark reminder that theory is often different from reality.
In a culture torn between the pleasures of hedonism and asceticism, recognizing these mixed messages might be the best that we can hope for. This duality extends into the entrepreneurial journey, where the promise of “having it all” – professional success, personal fulfillment, passionate relationships – is frequently marketed as the ultimate achievement. Yet, the reality for many entrepreneurs is a relentless balancing act, often sacrificing one aspect of life to excel in another.
The entrepreneurial path exemplifies this clash of ideals. Founders are told to chase their dreams relentlessly, to embrace risk, and to never settle for less than their vision. Yet, the wisdom of sustainable growth, mindfulness, and work-life balance preaches a different sermon, advocating for moderation, self-care, and the acceptance of limitations.
The lesson here extends beyond personal or romantic relationships; it touches the very essence of entrepreneurial ambition. It suggests that true satisfaction might not lie in endlessly striving for more or in achieving societal markers of success but in finding contentment with what we have achieved and who we are in the present. Entrepreneurs, much like individuals navigating their personal lives, might find greater joy in appreciating the journey itself – with all its imperfections and challenges – rather than fixating solely on the destination.
As we reflect on these parallel narratives, it becomes clear that the pursuit of balance is not just a personal endeavor but a professional one as well. The integration of self-improvement, self-acceptance, and mindful entrepreneurship could pave the way for a more fulfilling life, both in and out of the boardroom. In embracing this holistic approach, perhaps we can redefine what it means to truly “have it all” – achieving a harmonious blend of success, happiness, and inner peace.
